Thanks for your honest answers. I know that you are in a very difficult situation.

First and foremost, I want to commend you for stepping forward and taking responsibility where genetically, this child has been forgotten. It is not an easy responsibility that has been laid upon your doorstep, and I am glad to hear that there are other family members present, supporting you. I really am impressed by your desire to take care of this young lad, and look out for his well-being eventhough by law, he is not your concern. You are doing the right thing, and for that, as a clinical psychologist and an educator, I thank you.

I asked about the therapist because whatever I say here should not supersede anything that any other therapist has told you since they have met the child and I have not. Internet psychoanalysis and therapy is merely typewritten words- the only way to know and truly understand your circumstances is to meet face to face with you and the child.

You should not pull the child from school. He needs to learn how to conform and adapt. He may have to be held back in kindergarten- this is hardly unheard of- but he needs the structure and influence that school can give his life. Since the aide is female, do not be surprised if a bond forms between the two of them (if the aide is able to stick through the difficult times) and the child views the aide as a mother figure. Although many districts try to discourage parents and aides communicating, I encourage you both to keep a journal of day to day stuff- and then have the teacher's opinions as well. He can adapt to school and not see it as the oppressive institution that it is if he is able to form a bond with his aide and/or teacher. Kindergarten is the beginning of learning how to adapt to the structure of school (and please, everyone, let's not go off on a tangent about conformity- start another thread and I will deal with you all there) and in essence, the structure of life. The fact that he is not hitting is aide is a really good sign- it means that he is accepting her and the situations that she is presenting. This is a really positive sign.

I asked about the pets for two reasons: one, if he was hurting pets, our conversation would be entirely different, and two, if you had no pets, I would have encouraged you to get one (or 4 as your case may be :) ) Boxers, as several people will testify here, are amazing dogs, and very good with children and I am glad he has a good rapport with animals. I am also glad to hear that he enjoys the company of his little brother. These are all really positive signs for your stepson's future- you just need to get him through this major hurdle.

Maddie is correct is suggesting an alternative sport activity for him with individuals who are his age. Martial arts are amazing for teaching aggressive children how to regain control of themselves- its not about violence and hitting objects but being in control of your body. Even a 5 year old can learn this. It's not bad advice for this child to meet with peers on mats and learn how to control his own moments, and learn that he is in control of himself. He won't learn how to hurt other kids (unless they attack him first) but rather he will gain some self-confidence that he is lacking because let's call a spade a spade, his mom left him and he probably feels some sense of responsibility in that. On a side note, learn it as well yourself. He will enjoy sparring with you and having fun- much like the age old tradition of playing chess or checkers father and son (and sometimes, you let them win just for the fun of it).

About the crying. Don't expect him to cry. Children who don't cry are a bomb, but not a bad bomb. He is an individual who is containing all that is happening in his life inside himself, and is like a Clint Eastwood or John Wayne of 5 year olds. He is holding his emotions close in order to avoid pain- he most likely is not crying because he does not know how to say"you know what, I am really pissed off that mom left and that she is teasing me with all these phone calls." He most likely thinks that if he cries that this will mean that he is bad, so avoid this whole area and just accept the child as what he is. Stoic, nonverbal, whatever. But one day, whether it be with you, in martial arts or the soccer field, or with his aide, he will break down and the flood gates will open. I have twice held children who cried for over two hours because reality finally hit them-- and I am talking 14 years later in high school. Don't worry about the non-crying issue. Just maintain your consistency of consequences for behavior, and he will abide by your decision. Not all kids immediately cry when something happens to them- he may actually just cry some night in the arms of a woman who he loves and trusts- but crying will come in its own time.

Being abandoned by your Mom is hard enough; being reminded of her presence 2-5 times a month really sucks. This kid has a hard pill to swallow. He does not want to severe his relationship with his mom nor does he want to piss off you. He is quite literally, caught between two worlds. But he obviously respects you and he lives with you so while he is most likely completely confused by his mother's phone calls, there is nothing that you can do about that until a court order helps you. No five year old can understand what is happening except to reflect it upon himself as his fault. The fact that you are standing with him and maintaining a disciplined structured household helps him to cope because kids really need that.

Your best bet at this time is to fight for full custody of this child and limit his conversations with his mother- this is merely my therapeutic opinion but again, rely on the opinions of those who have met your child. The more your child is engaged in other activities, the less time he has to talk to his mom. And keep fighting for him. Right now, he probably sees you as one of the few people who really cares about him. He may be (will be) defiant as a teenager but as an adult, he will really see you as the father that you are. You have him on a great and consistent schedule and while I don't necessarily agree with the entire toy removal situation, its one that I respect of your disciplining him. His Mom left, his toys leave. Personally, I am more worried about how he will handle the death of one of his pets than I am about how he deals with the loss of his toys. Moms come and go- toys come and go- but Boxers are forever. PREPARE yourself for this because this, most likely, is where you will see the tears flow.

Again, I am not really trying to give advice but more like reassurance that you are not doing anything wrong- and I really do commend you for coming forward and doing the right thing for this kid. There are not many adults who would do this. You will have a difficult child on your hands for most likely your whole life but this does not mean he is necessarily a bad kid. It's just really hard to accept when your biological parent leaves you- as teenagers it is easier to accept but a five year old mind just simply can't grasp it.